Dear Kiki: Any tips on visiting my home country as an adult?

returning, same but different

Dear Kiki,
I am planning a trip to visit my home country. This will be my first time visiting since leaving at a very young age. I don’t have any extended family here so it would mean the world to me to reconnect with them. I am excited and nervous at the same time, because I’m not as fluent in my mother tongue anymore and can only get by with basic phrases. How can I reconnect with my relatives in a meaningful way and deal with the reverse cultural shock after being away for so long?
— Homebound with Questions Abound

Seeing an old place through new eyes

Visiting your homeland for the first time as an adult can be an eye-opening, emotional and potentially transformative experience. Not only will you reconnect with your extended family after being apart for many years, it is also an opportunity to rediscover your roots. Physically immersing yourself in the culture and heritage will open the doors to a new part of your identity. 

In Season One of Kim’s Convenience Store, Janet is reunited with her cousin Nayoung who is visiting from Korea. Janet struggles to relate to her at first. She is depicted as strange, talking oddly, and dressing differently. While this is mostly an exaggeration of the script , there is something that resonates in this experience. 

Although you have high hopes for forming meaningful relationships with your relatives, it is normal if you don’t feel an instant connection and feel out of place at times. Even though you are returning to your birth country, you still need time to acclimate to the current culture. Therefore, do what you can to mentally prepare yourself and keep an open mind. Even Janet eventually warms up to her and recognizes that despite their differences, they are still family. 

PLANNING AHEAD

The best way to calm your pre-trip jitters is to do your research and plan ahead. 

If you are able to, enlist your parents’ help in creating a list of names or a family tree. Meeting all your relatives in a short amount of time can be overwhelming, so this information will help you keep track of who’s who. Make sure to look up how to address each person appropriately in your native language. Using the right titles is a way to show respect and demonstrate that you are making a genuine effort to connect.

Other than learning names, familiarize yourself about the region and country, including its history, customs and any practical knowledge such as transportation and weather. The more you know prior to the trip the better you will ease  into the culture and enrich your experience. Of course, don’t forget to compile a list of attractions to visit and foods to try!

At the end of the day, the research is meant to guide you, not limit you. Make sure to leave room in our itinerary for exploration and improvisation. Traveling is about getting out of your comfort zone and broadening your perspectives, so let go of any expectations or preconceptions of how people will be or what you will be exposed to.  Be open to any recommendations or insight from the people you meet, so you can gain a more wholesome understanding of your heritage through their lenses. 

COMMUNICATING AND CONNECTING: MORE THAN WORDS

I used to feel insecure about my language proficiency whenever I did visit my home country. There was a running joke in my family that people on the street could pick me out as a non-local even before I opened my mouth. At first, I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t speak my language well and felt the pressure to explain my accent. 

It took me a few trips to realize that it was an unrealistic expectation for me to speak exactly like a local. I have lived in North America for the majority of my life and even though I had Chinese friends, they all spoke different dialects. 

You should not feel ashamed that you are not well-versed in your native language. It might feel awkward and inconvenient as you attempt to converse with your relatives, but there are other ways to make a connection. 

Other than talking, ask them to show you. Ask them to bring you to interesting spots in the city or do an activity that they enjoy together. You can share photos of your family and your life in North America. Play a board game. Be creative, and if all else fails, sharing a meal together is the quintessential way of family bonding in most Asian cultures. 

Ask about their interests and hobbies or look for clues around their home. In order to foster a deeper bond, you need to first get to know each other. From there, it is about actively listening and learning. Remember, they are learning about you too and also experiencing similar challenges.

If you would like to be extra-prepared, keep a few phrases in your backpocket. When you’re in a bind, you could utilize translation apps to decipher vocabulary and to relay your message. Even though your pronunciation may be imperfect or the words become lost in translation, what matters is that you are making an effort. So have a good laugh about it and learn together.

Read More: Dear Kiki: How do I survive holidays with family during a divorce?

COPING WITH REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK

 As you get reacquainted with your relatives and the place you once called home, you might also need time to get readjusted to the culture now that you are older. Much time has passed since you were a young child. The people and place you once called home have changed and grown, just as you have. What was once familiar and comforting to you may now feel odd or even foreign. You might even experience feelings of loss of how things were, so give yourself some downtime to acknowledge and process these feelings. 

There are some tangible ways that will help you move past this stage. In addition to exploring the country and culture, relive your childhood memories and visit the places that were meaningful for you. Focusing on individual relationships will also ground you when you are feeling lost or lonely. 

This is a big trip for you, so take it one step at a time and let go of your expectations. You might feel pressure to bond with your relatives, but like any other relationship, it takes time and effort on both ends. Hopefully, they can also come and visit you back. With any luck this could be the beginning to a journey of self discovery and the first of many more trips back to your homeland. 

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