Dear Kiki: How do I survive holidays with family during a divorce?

Dear Kiki,

I am dreading the upcoming holiday family gatherings. I recently separated from my partner and I am the first in the family to go through this process. My relatives can be relentless when asking about my relationship and offering unsolicited advice. How do I deflect their questions gracefully while dealing with my divorce?

Anxious about Family Gatherings

Preparing for awkward holidays with family

Holiday gatherings with family are meant to be joyous occasions, but they can also be a source of stress and anxiety. While you are excited to catch up with your favourite cousins, you might also run into a few relatives who you are less eager to see. 

In each family, there are different personalities and dynamics to navigate. There are always those who overstep personal boundaries. Unfortunately, the change in your relationship status is likely to invite questions and unwanted attention from these curious individuals. 

Navigating a separation is challenging, as you need time to process the emotions during a time of uncertainty. Given the recency of the separation, you may be feeling particularly vulnerable. So the last thing you want to do is to be put on the spot. 

Other than avoiding your difficult relatives or deciding to not show up, there are some helpful strategies for artfully deflecting and dodging unpleasant questions during holidays with family. That way, you can focus on deriving joy from these gatherings and spend quality time with those you truly enjoy being in company of.

Awkward family conversations are inevitable

Prepare yourself mentally before attending the party. Compile a list of questions you anticipate, as well as consider how much detail you decide to divulge.

Play out all the possible scenarios in your head and come up with some answers. Rehearsing some go-to responses will come in handy in case you get ambushed. Generally, there are two ways to respond: First, be as brief as possible and to the point so you can end the conversation, and, second, deflect the question by turning the question on them or changing the topic.

Putting tips into practice

A brief response is usually a strong indication that you do not wish to discuss the topic further. But if your relatives persist, stand your ground and remain as tight-lipped as you wish. In some cases, it also helps to just be honest. Let them know that it’s a tough time for you and you’re still working things out.

Understandably, it is tricky getting out of a conversation with a relative, especially an older one who you’re expected to defer to during holidays with family. Growing up in a Taiwanese family, I remember being reprimanded for not showing respect toward elder family members, even when they did not respect my boundaries. 

In this case, you can ask about themselves or a topic that they are interested in. Questions like, “How have you overcome challenges in your marriage?” or “I heard your child just got engaged. What was the proposal like?” might shift their focus off you.

You can be as creative or curt as possible. And yes, declining to answer is an option, too! What is most important is that you feel as comfortable and confident as possible about facing your family members, so you can still have a good time.

Buddy up the holidays

Even with preparation ahead of time, certain family members may not take a hint and press on. Another strategy is to reach out to individuals who you are close with and can confide in. Ask them to be your buddy at the event, so they can be a buffer and intervene when you get cornered.

Similar to your prepared responses, examples of how they can help include:

• Change the topic: “Speaking of relationships, do you know about…..?”
• Voice their support: “Relationships are complex and personal. Let’s give them some space and privacy to figure this out.”

Other than standing up for you on the spot, they are also a great source of emotional support. Going to a family gathering by yourself for the first time after a separation or breakup is an unchartered territory. When the wound is still fresh, you just might not be ready to explain your situation to others, particularly to ones that might not understand due to value and generational differences.

If there are no family members that you can talk to, you can bring a friend instead. The holidays with family during seminal life moments can heighten the feeling of loneliness. Coming to terms with a separation requires you to overcome the loss of a marital commitment and everything the relationship used to be. So lean on those you trust to support you as you continue to seek healing and recovery.

Destigmatizing divorce

I understand some of the anxiety comes from being the first in your family to go through a separation and not knowing how your family members will react. In previous generations and currently in some Asian communities, divorce is seen as a taboo. In cultures that particularly value family, there is often stigma around divorce. 

Because some relatives might not be used to the idea of separation and divorce, they might not be able to empathise with your situation and lack the language to discuss the topic which leads to awkward conversations. Others may be inclined to express their opinions on the matter, whereas some might be genuinely curious. 

Whatever their motivation is, you are not obligated to provide details about your situation. Just because they are family, you do not need to conform to their expectations of what an ideal relationship should look like. If they do not respect your boundaries, then they are not worthy of your energy and story. 

No matter what your story is, you are worthy of all the love in the world. 

Always here for you,

Kiki

Dear Kiki is Cold Tea Collective’s advice column and it is published in the last week of every month. To get advice from Kiki, submit your questions and comments here. Or, subscribe to our newsletter to get Kiki’s advice straight to your inbox on the last Sunday of every month.