Dear Kiki: How can I make the best impression when I meet my partner’s traditional Asian parents?

Dear Kiki: My partner and I have been dating for six months and will meet their parents for the first time soon. They tell me their parents are quite traditional and I should not show up empty-handed. Any tips on what I should bring as a gift and how can I make the best impression possible?

– Meeting Traditional Asian Parents

Congratulations on leveling up your relationship! Meeting your partner’s parents is a significant milestone in your journey together. Even though you are dating your partner and not their parents, building positive rapport with individuals who may one day become part of your family is in your best interest. 

Meeting your partner’s parents for the first time can be stressful. Some would even say it is  more anxiety-inducing than going on the first date. Understandably, there is a lot of pressure to make a good first impression. Beyond preparing an appropriate gift, cultural expectations and nuances can make the meeting hard to navigate. 

It can feel like immense pressure hinges on this single encounter. However, fear not, as there are ways you can prepare and put your best foot forward to win over the hearts of your beau’s traditional Asian parents.

Learn About the Family

When it comes to gift-giving, the first step is to learn about the gift recipients. Since you have not met your partner’s traditional Asian parents, asking your partner for advice is your best resource. 

For instance, some questions you could ask your partner are:

• What are some traditions and customs that their parents follow? 
• What do they mean to them and the family as a whole?
• Do their parents like sweets or savoury treats?
• Does the way I dress when I meet them matter?

Each family embraces tradition differently, even when they come from similar backgrounds. For the most part, bringing a gift during your first meeting is good etiquette. However, the rules and context may differ from culture to culture and family to family. Make sure to do your own research to complement your partner’s suggestions and intel.

Pick the Right Gift

Fruits, plants, tea, and treats  – but not too sweet – are universal gifts many traditional Asian parents and households appreciate. Nonetheless, research more to discover what the gifts represent or mean to avoid misunderstandings – especially across cultures. 

For example, pears are a popular gift in Korean culture, but in Chinese, the characters mean “to part ways.” Other taboos to watch out for include knives and umbrellas, which can symbolize the end of relationships, as well as clocks and watches, which symbolize funerals. 

Although not a real-life example, in the movie Crazy Rich Asians, Rachel brought a basket of mandarin oranges for Eleanor, her boyfriend’s mother, when they met for the first time. What Rachel didn’t realize beforehand was that mandarin oranges – while they symbolize good fortune in Chinese culture – are usually gifted during Lunar New Year. Although there were many reasons why Eleanor didn’t like Rachel, this contributed to her disdain for her.

This example is not to say that if you bring the wrong fruit, your partner’s traditional Asian parents will dislike you; let it be a reminder that sometimes the smallest attention to details can go a long way. 

When in doubt, bring something that everyone can enjoy together at the gathering, like a quality compressed tea cake.

See also: Dear Kiki: How can I show gratitude and appreciation to my parents?

Add a Personal Touch

Even though it’s helpful to follow customs and traditions, finding ways to personalize a gift to the receiver is that much more impressive and memorable. Any tidbits you can extract from your partner, such as their favourite snacks or hobbies, will guide your gift selection. 

According to Sara Jane Ho, an international etiquette expert and the host of Netflix’s Mind Your Manners, good etiquette is about making the other person feel comfortable. Regarding gifting, she emphasizes the value of being considerate of others. 

For example, Ho shares a tip: if you brought flowers for your partner’s parents, bring a vase, too. This additional consideration ensures they don’t need to scramble to find one last minute.

In order to put Ho’s advice to use in meeting your partner’s traditional Asian parents might mean inquiring ahead of time. It could be about any food preferences or allergies to avoid any awkward situations. Another possibility is to make or order treats that come in (or can be easily cut into) bite-sized pieces, so they are easily shareable (sorry, no croissants!). 

As mentioned previously, the meaning of the gift is just as important as the item. You could also consider presenting the gift with a thoughtful message or explanation. It can be as simple as words of appreciation for the opportunity to meet or the intention to build a good relationship.

Be Respectful and Be Yourself

Even though the gift may set the tone, the time spent together will ultimately influence their impression of you. Don’t get too fixated on what you’re bringing. Instead, relax and be yourself – the best and most well-behaved version if possible. 

Be respectful, kind, and polite. Whenever there is an opportunity, offer to help without asking. Although meeting your partner’s traditional parents may feel like a job interview, remember they are eager to get to know you when they ask questions.

As much as we wish to hit it off with our potential future in-laws, we do not have control over what others think of us. Still, impressions can change and real connections take time to grow and develop.

Just like in Crazy Rich Asians, despite Rachel’s best efforts, Eleanor had already formed an opinion about her, so Rachel did not get much opportunity to change her mind. It wasn’t until later did Eleanor take time to accept Rachel for who she was.

A gift upon the first meeting with the parents symbolizes the beginning of a new relationship or friendship. Whatever you bring will signify your intentions for your partner, your relationship, and your love for their child. 

So be yourself, put your best “gift” forward, and give them a chance to get to know the real you.

Dear Kiki is Cold Tea Collective’s advice column and it is published in the last week of every month. To get advice from Kiki, submit your questions and comments here. Or, subscribe to our newsletter to get Kiki’s advice straight to your inbox on the last Sunday of every month.