Dear Kiki: How can I find the right connections and community?

Dear Kiki: I have a lot of connections in a pretty big community of friends and acquaintances. They come from a variety of backgrounds, including other Asian Americans like myself. However, I still struggle to connect with others and often feel like I don’t belong to any group. How do I find my connections and community?

– Finding community

Quality of connections over quantity

When it comes to community, quality matters more than quantity.

A diverse network is a great place to start, but the few quality relationships you forge will make you feel more included and valued. 

Even if you know lots of people, genuine connections are cultivated through meaningful one-on-one interactions that go beyond small talk.

These bonds require time and effort to cultivate, as well as an alignment in values. 

In order to increase your sense of belonging, you need to figure out what your needs are and find a group that will embrace and support you.

Then, you can begin to dedicate your energy towards relationships that will make you feel more fulfilled. 

Before we seek out the right community, we need to first look inwards.

Connection with yourself

It might seem counterintuitive to seek solitude when you feel alone, but a strong sense of self identity leads to better and more rewarding interactions with others.

Who we are can change over time, so it is important to make time to connect – and reconnect with yourself. 

Define your values and interests, as well as what excites you.

Look ahead to see where you’d like to be and what you would like to achieve. Check in with yourself to see if you are living your life accordingly. 

When we are part of large groups, it is easy to lose ourselves in order to fit in.

Many Asian cultures, especially Eastern Asian, tend to be more collectivist and value harmony and conformity over individuality. In the process of adapting and adjusting to others, we lose part of our self identity.

Therefore, we must break the cycle and leave our comfort zones to find our most authentic selves.

Making room for new, meaningful connections

Once you have rediscovered your identity, decide on who and which groups truly align with your values and interests.

Perhaps you have outgrown your current network of acquaintances and need to move on. 

Maintaining your membership within so many groups can sometimes take energy and time away from forging more meaningful bonds.

Be selective and focus your efforts on the relationships worth investing in.

Even if the relationship no longer serves you, it can still feel challenging and uncomfortable to move on from your existing social circles.

Growing up in a Taiwanese family, I was taught to stay loyal to my friend groups and prioritize the group’s needs and feelings. It made it challenging to leave groups entirely, even when it became exhausting to attend social gatherings. 

Remind yourself that it is okay to let go and evolve.

You can then make room for new, more meaningful connections that will be more beneficial to your well-being.

Finding the right connections and community

There are many types of community, from sharing backgrounds and interests to bonding over a common goal or vision.

Look for existing groups formed based on a mutual interest or hobby, such as a photography class, a foodie meetup, or your neighbourhood garden club. 

When you seek out new groups, prioritize your values and interests so you will find the time spent more enjoyable and rewarding rather than arduous and draining. When you are in your element, you begin to attract others who align with you.

Start small by participating in one or two new activities, so you get a feel for the group. Choose meetups with small group formats that meet on a consistent basis, so you have the opportunity to get to know individuals on a deeper level.

Community is more than just a membership within an extended network. While a large group provides us with safety and comfort, we also need good friends who we can have heart-to-heart conversations with and lean on during times of need. These strong connections are the foundations of a thriving community.

See also: Dear Kiki: How do I diversify my network?

Redefining connections and community

As social creatures, we crave connection to feel happy and fulfilled.

However, we are each unique and have different needs and wants.

Your ideal community could be a large online network or as just a couple of walking buddies. It is also possible to belong to multiple smaller groups, from your professional and volunteer-based communities to your childhood friends circle.

Each of them represents an aspect of your multifaceted identity.

At the end of the day, it is up to you to redefine community in a way that best suits you – how you hope to gain from the community, and what you can give back.

When you become embedded in a community, or communities, that embrace who you are and motivate you to actively participate, you will also help to create a place where others can feel belonging too.