Dear Kiki,
We are in the process of adopting a young child from Taiwan. As a second generation Chinese and grew up speaking Cantonese. I grew up understanding the culture my family had back in China. I feel confident that I can pick up Taiwanese phrases easily and learn how to cook Taiwanese food. How else can I help my adoptee adapt to a new culture while maintaining his identity in America?
–Caring new parent
Welcoming your adoptee
While this is a joyous time for your family, it is also a major transitional period with complicated emotions. As a transnational adoptee, your child will not only be joining a new family, but he will also be leaving a place of familiarity and moving to a new country.
These big life changes are difficult to deal with for anyone, especially for a child.
As a second generation Asian American (and caring parent!), you are aware of the challenges he may face when integrating into a new community, as well as the cultural nuances.
This insight will come in handy as you connect with him, as well as help him through future obstacles that might come his way.
Every adoptee’s experience is different. As you prepare for your child’s arrival, I encourage you to learn about other adoptee experiences, including transnational adoptee speakers highlighted in our list of adoptee awareness resources, Patrick Samuel Yung Armstrong and KatieTheKAD, as well as Taiwanese adoptee and author, Marijane Huang.
Bond as a family
Bringing your child home for the first time can be an exciting and nerve-wracking experience for everyone. For an adoptee to adapt to a new culture in a new place where he doesn’t know anyone, you are his security blanket.
Start from the basics, as you reach out to make a genuine connection.
What you’ve suggested – cooking Taiwanese dishes and learning his language – is a good place to begin. These are thoughtful ways to make him feel at home by creating a familiar environment.
Comfort is key as you get to know each other and start your journey as a family together. You can also encourage him to bring over an item or keepsake that makes him feel happy or safe.
Find out what his interests and hobbies are. Create opportunities for him to do what he enjoys.
Do activities together
If possible, you can spend some quality time together, such as watching his favorite TV show or working on an art project together. Not only is this a great way for him to find comfort and routine in the things he loves, but it can also ease him into the American community.
For a young child, it may be difficult to articulate their needs and feelings. Instead, try a play-based approach and keep the interactions light. Playing is how children make sense of the world around them and communicate with others.
It can take time for someone to open up, so it’s okay if you don’t bond right away or get the positive response you would like.
Keep trying.
With patience and creativity, you can slowly and steadily build your relationship from the ground up.
Creating new family traditions
Beyond honouring his background, it is just as important to help him acclimatize to the American way of life.
Going on family trips is a great way to show him around the country and the new culture, while enjoying quality time together. When he is ready, consider organizing small gatherings with close friends with diverse backgrounds so he can get to know your support network and hopefully develop some friendships.
If you can, document these memories, from the beginning of their adoption journey. Take photos, videos and keep mementos that your adoptee can look back on his journey in adapting to the new culture.
He may not wish to revisit these memories right away, but they will be there when he is ready or is curious.
For many transnational adoptees, grappling with their racial and cultural identity is a life-long process. Knowing their adoption story helps them to feel more connected, grounded and validated.
When he feels like a valued and important part of the family, he can start to find belonging and his community. Your adoptee can then start to adapt to the new culture.
Read more: Shedding light on the Asian adoptee experience
Read more: How the rise of anti-Asian racism made an adoptee feel more Asian
Provide unconditional love and support
While you might be concerned about how well he adjusts, your role as a parent is to be a constant source of unconditional love and support. How your child copes with the changes in his life will depend on his temperament and prior experiences.
Therefore, focus on your child and let him lead in the interactions. Keep the communications open but also allow him space to process his emotions and adapt to the new environment.
Other than food and conversation, love and support in forms of physical expression can mean a lot to a young child, such as unlimited hugs and cuddles, or simply showing up and being present.
If he is interested in staying connected to his culture, your support may come in forms of researching activities he might be interested in, such as Mandarin or Taiwanese language or calligraphy classes.
Instead of committing to extra-curricular programs, you can research books, TV shows or movies about Taiwan or by Taiwanese authors and directors to share with him. If he is interested in connecting with other adoptees with similar experiences, there are lots of adoptee support groups online, as well as resources and books (see links above).
Beyond the tangible and practical help, your display of support can also involve sitting back and giving him the space to explore parts of his identity and find his support networks.
Your child will always be the narrator of his story.
The places and cultures will have an indelible impact on his life experience and cultural identity.
Therefore, give it time to help your adoptee adapt to a new culture.
Be patient and let him lead the way as you navigate this path together, as a family.
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