Dear Kiki: How do I stay positive in my search for a romantic partner?

Dear Kiki: I took a break from the dating scene after coming out of a long term relationship. Recently, I have started meeting people and dating again and thought I’d try out dating apps. As an Asian male, I’m finding that I am not getting many matches or responses. How can I stay positive in my search for a compatible partner?
–  Looking for Love

Valentine’s Day is here, and the chocolates and flowers at every turn can intensify the stress of dating. This pressure can be especially overwhelming when you’re entering the dating scene after a long hiatus.

Online dating apps have become the most popular way for people to meet their partners, passing meeting people through friends. However, it’s not always easy. On dating apps, there are rules and etiquette to familiarize yourself with that are unique from traditional dating. There’s also a slew of potential issues in the online world, such as catfishing, ghosting and the infamous ‘situationships’. 

Dating apps have widened the net of possibilities, but have also created a highly competitive environment. In order to stand out from the crowd, there’s pressure to display yourself in the best light.

While there is no shortage of Tik Tok videos with online dating hacks, self promotion doesn’t come naturally to everyone. In Asian cultures, humility is perceived as a virtue, whereas drawing attention to yourself is disruptive and arrogant. Talking about yourself and highlighting your accomplishments can feel awkward or unnatural, making it harder to put your best, most confident self forward.

While this process can feel daunting, it can also be exciting—go easy on yourself and keep an open mind.

See also: Dear Kiki: How can I make the best impression when I meet my partner’s traditional Asian parents?

Take a break from dating and reset expectations

Dating requires a lot of energy. From creating the most compelling profile or the wittiest opening line to keeping up with small talk, it can easily become a full-time job. When you are pouring your heart and soul into the apps and not getting the response you would like, it can be downright demoralizing.

Lots of people experience online dating fatigue when they feel like dating is leading to nowhere. When you are feeling burnt out and unmotivated, take a break. Turn off the apps, take off the social mask and focus on recharging. 

We shine brightest when we are in our element—something you can’t encapsulate into words in a mini profile. Take the energy you are investing into apps, and instead invest in yourself and the things that will make you feel rejuvenated and joyful. Spend time with your friends and loved ones, engage in a hobby that you enjoy or learn something new. Go for long walks outside or book your favourite exercise class. Not only will taking care of yourself enhance your well-being, it will also help you connect better with others.

When your emotional battery is recharged, reset your expectations. Dating apps might all be about numbers – matches, swipes, likes, messages – but those won’t always turn into relationships. Be intentional and clear with yourself about your dating goals. Are you just looking to make new connections or are you looking for a long term partner? What are your current needs and do those balance out with your long term dating goals? 

Numbers don’t define your self-worth. Try to reframe your mindset to focus on how you can show your authentic self and what kind of individuals you want to attract. 

It’s not you, it’s the dating app

The lack of matches can be deflating. However, sometimes it’s not you, it’s the app.

Swiping through tens of profiles each minute, people are making split-seconds decisions. Most of these that rely on their immediate emotional and physical response. In these situations, many implicit biases can come into play. 

Since most apps still place an emphasis on photos and physical appearance, the dating racial desirability hierarchy remains prevalent. Based on data from OKCupid, Asian American men and Black women were rated as least attractive when compared to other races and ethnicities.

How the apps are set up can perpetuate these racial biases. Some apps allow users to browse based on characteristics, like age, gender, race, whereas others allow users to input their racial preferences. This automatically places certain groups at a disadvantage. 

The algorithms, the elusive formula for matchmaking, can also introduce bias. They are often informed by user behaviors and preferences and are by bringing up matches based on your preferences or those of the majority on the apps or have tendency to recommend profiles that are popular.

While it may feel discouraging, apps can still be a great way for anyone to find love. For example, you can choose not to list your ethnicity if you prefer and focus on highlighting your hobbies and interests that help others connect with you. There has also been some progress in the tech world to tackle racism and make the space more inclusive to marginalized groups. In 2020, Grindr dropped the ethnicity filter completely. While other major apps have kept the filter, S’More, is a unique alternative that focuses on creating authentic connections by only revealing photos after engaging in conversation.

Still, if the apps you are using aren’t working for you, explore different platforms. Other than diversifying your networks, invest your time and energy wisely by setting healthy boundaries such as turning off notifications and limiting your time on the apps. By conserving your energy and preventing burnout, you can focus on fewer but quality conversations. . 

Understanding the nuances of dating apps will hopefully help you be kinder to yourself. You can take control of your dating life, which in turn will empower you to date in the way that works best for you. It is also possible that throughout your experiences, you realize that meeting people in person in an organic way might be more suitable for you. Dating looks different for everyone. It is up to you to forge your own path.

See also: Dear Kiki: How do I find good relationship models?

You are enough

Even though apps generate limitless possibilities, not every match or date leads to a relationship. Each date and interaction will shape your dating journey as well as your personal growth.

In dating, a lot of attention is placed on putting your best self (or selfie) out there, but it all comes down to who you really are when you shed your masks. Know that you’re enough, and let your true person shine. 

Whether you’re seeking potential partners online or offline, you are balancing being open to new possibilities with realistic dating goals. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame when dealing with rejection, but know that you are enough. Knowing who you are and what you are looking for will help you stay grounded and positive as you look ahead to an unknown, yet exhilarating adventure ahead.

Dear Kiki is Cold Tea Collective’s advice column and it is published in the last week of every month. To get advice from Kiki, submit your questions and comments here. Or, subscribe to our newsletter to get Kiki’s advice straight to your inbox on the last Sunday of every month.